Fuck me if I’m wrong, but… manscaping is a non-negotiable.

Picture it: It’s a hot, boring afternoon and you’re invited to a friend’s house for a pool party. You put on your suit, pack up your things, and head out the door — eager for a day of fun. But then, upon arriving, you see that the entire backyard has been grown over with three-foot tall weeds, some of which quite prickly. The large, deep, refreshing pool is in the epicenter of this clusterfuck — much like a palace hidden within a treacherous moat.

This is how it feels when a woman is en route to a freak fest and finds herself face-to-face with an unkempt package. Now I know that men have found themselves in this predicament as well, but, for the most part, we women do our best to keep our cookies clearly accessible (although, I admit, I can’t speak for hippies).

Pardon me, your dong is dwarfed by pubes. While there are countless reasons this is a faux pas, the main reason a man should be discouraged from letting this mane go untamed is the fact that this wiry black hair is hiding the beast within. Does he HAVE a penis under that pubehawk? Most of the time, we don’t have the effort to find out. So, if the goal is to get some, please trim it up — if nothing else than to make it appear larger. (Don’t lie and pretend you haven’t tried this, smaller-dick-having guys.)

I own dental floss, thank you very much. This chaotic state of affairs is also detrimental to a man’s blow-jay getting attempts. If I wanted to put Alf’s nose in my mouth, I’d fly to planet Melmac (… and at least I’m 100% positive he eats pussy). When I see a hairy mass such as this but inches from my face, I think to myself (and once even said aloud) I’m not putting my mouth NEAR that hot mess! And why would I? There are seven orifices on my head and not one of them is welcoming to foreign hairs. And I’m not going to spend the following two hours pulling that shit outta my teeth. Listerine, maybe. But as far as gingivitis control, I have floss in my medicine cabinet and a dentist down the street.

Have you even considered the stank-factor? Another reason it’s important to maintain the terrain is pure and simple hygiene. You can’t just hang a pine-tree air freshener around your shaft. And balls are gross enough already. If you want me to even consider tea-bagging that shit, you better shave, pluck or wax it up — whichever you find less painful… or more, as the case may be.

Wine me, dine me, sixty-nine me. Obviously reciprocation is the name of the game, so if we women are going to always uphold a landing strip, triangle, or Brazilian; you can make sure your legs, shaft and balls are free from debris.

So, gentleman and douchebags alike, next time you’re planning to get laid, or have a go at face fucking someone, remember: it’s only fair, that everyone — man, woman, hermaphrodites, whatever — tidy up before the maid comes to clean house.