Fuck me if I’m wrong, but… the more sensitive a man, the smaller his penis.

 “I’ve always wanted to ask a tall guy, ‘Is your dick in proportion to your hands and your height?’ I seriously wonder about that,” said a friend the other day. Obviously we’ve all heard speculation that tall men have long penises, men with big feet have large rods, men who drive huge diesel trucks and tiny sports cars lack a stack, and men with blonde hair have no merchandise whatsoever. Personal experience, however, invalidates this gossip. Yet there is one rumor that I would like to spread: that sensitive men are strapped with small shafts.

Big dick = big dick

If you’re a woman, gay man, straight man or voyeur, you may have noticed that the larger a man’s penis, the larger his head and, in turn, his “I’m the shit” attitude. If a man is “cocky,” he’s most likely cocky; if a man has a huge dick, he’s probably a huge dick; the more smug and vain, the more throbbing veins (and so on).

Now, obviously these are not hard-and-fast rules, so allow me to clarify that not all men are assholes — specifically not all black men (since we‘re all aware of their assets.) And, on a side note: not all black men have ginormous schlongs. I’m sure there are a few poets, clothing designers, artists, and nurses out there who prove to be an exception to the rule. Roses are red, violets are blue, your penis is a joke, so fuck you! And I’m sure there are also serious douche bags with itty bitty members (little prick = little prick.)

It seems to me that whenever my friends are “dating” a man with King Kong’s Dong that he’s a conceited jerk who gets away with murder because of his hose. While I have encountered one man who seemed sensitive everywhere but his shaft, he was just, ugh, too nice… plus I’m sure deep down he was a jerk and I just hadn’t realized it yet. Then there’s the other extreme: the sensitive sally. As one friend stated, “the most emotional guy I’ve ever dated, also the biggest guy physically I’ve ever dated, and the smallest wang of anyone I’ve ever dated.” (Men take note: Out of consideration, a woman will lie about the size of your penis to her friends… until you piss her off.)

Big hands, big feet? Big deal.

While I’ve yet to witness a man with small hands and a stick of salami between his thighs; I’ve definitely seen men with monstrous feet, or catcher’s mitts for hands, but without an equally large fifth appendage. In fact, my very first interection (sic.) with a dipstick disproved the big hands big feet theory.

Hanging from the 6’5” football player with size 11 shoes was the smallest, saddest excuse for a toddler dong I have seen to this day. In an effort to illustrate my point, I will now as you to peer down at your thumb (with your palm facing you). This penis was the size of the cushy tissue that runs from the heel of your hand to the point where the thumb finally extends from the hand. It was like a little gherkin dwarfed by two kiwis.

Was this guy sensitive? Well he cheated on his girlfriend (unbeknownst to me [I‘m not a complete whore]) and then cried about it, so you tell me. He also had a “thing” for Scooby-Doo and I may go so far as to suggest that he wore Scooby-Doo pajama pants too. So. Very. Sexy. Although this man refutes the big feet/big cock theory, others confirm the hypothesis, however, I won’t name names.

So consider yourself warned, girls and gays, the next time you find that sensitive man you’ve been searching for, you may be unpleasantly surprised. Be careful for what you wish.